Whats the saddest thing or most saddening tragedy that one human could face in his/her life?
I used to think losing your loved ones is the most saddening tragedy that one could face in his/her life. Oh boy, how wrong was I?
It was back in Dashain of 2076, the news of grand mom getting hospitalized rushed us back from the village. We used to call Grand-mom Maam (माम).
She was almost 86 and a victim of Asthma but still we were tensed and worried about her health conditions. Yes, a lot happened then!
Increasing dose of medicines, CT scans, X-rays, Injections, Blood sample reports, Urine tests and so on.
We used to be with her turn wise in hospital while others were celebrating the festival. Our only concern was grandmother, i didn’t even realized it was festive season.
In the beginning, we were all focusing on her recovery. Whenever some patient walked out spending some days at the neighbor bed at the ward, our hopes used to get high.
After more than a month in a mindset of hope and the scene of misery, we were all worned out. Everyday injections, saline water with needles, X-rays and medicines were getting heavy on everyone, financially and emotionally too. It was getting hard for her too, i couldn’t even bear to watch her because her whole body was swollen and
bloods started to stop producing and flowing in her body,her memories started to muddle, wounds started to appear in her mouth and she was unable to speak. The food and medicines were fed to her by using pipes that ran through her nose veins. It was just hard moment for all of us just to see her struggling to drink water.
That was when i wanted her to die just because of the pain she was enduring just to survive.
The pain ended, the lights went off right after the day that Tihar ended after the doctors gave up and all the drugs failed to improve her worsening condition and she was sent home unconscious. She was announced gone in Bir Hospital and the final ritual was done in Swyambhu.
While the fire was burning her body that were never to return everyone were devastated. I suddenly realized that she will never come back, the excitement and happiness that I had every day for Saturday so just I could meet her and talk to her will never happen, I will be alone because clearly, I had no one to care genuinely for me, this is not a bad dream but the harsh reality that I was facing and so much more. Tears flowed through my eyes but I didn’t cry. No, i felt nothing in fact and wondered why was
i there. Tears doesn’t define love, if it did no amount of tears would be sufficient to prove my love for you.
Today, whenever i see her photos with us together i wonder why i don’t miss her? I was once so much excited to meet her and to spend time with her but now all that excitement is dead.
Her warm hands, oiled haired that smelled like coconut, toothless cute smile and her Tamang language that i forced her to teach me are things that i wanna feel, smell, see and listen again, yet i can’t.
The thought that i would get severely depressed and get devastated with her gone are now no more. I am consumed in my own things and do not feel anything even though i know that i can never see her again.
Yes, i am alone and have no where to go during weekends, no one to talk to, no one to worry about me, no one to teach me Tamang and yet i don’t care. I just spend time sleeping.
I loved, i lost and am still standing and will continue to do so.
Yet regrets remains somewhere deep inside my heart. Regrets of not caring about you much, regrets of not spending much time with you, regrets of not being to do anything while you were in pain, regrets of not showing how much I loved you, regrets of not sharing you my stories and my thoughts. Yet i am happy that i was by your side till your last breath holding your hands.
Sometimes I feel like there is another person that lives inside me. He has no emotions and is stone-hearten. He doesn’t care what is going on or what anybody else is doing or thinking about. that keeps me sane.
He doesn’t feel anything. No hate, happiness, love, jealousy, anger, pain or anything. He is just busy in his own world doing his own things.
Maybe that person is saving me from despair, is saving me from all the pain, saddening and all the chaos in the world.
So, yes i still think what is the most saddening tragedy that one experiences in his/her life. The answer to me is seeing your loved ones getting hurt.
